WHY DO I FEEL THAT I HAVE FAILED? IS IT BECAUSE I STILL HANKER TO BE PERFECT, SUPERHUMAN, SPECIAL? OSHO, PLEASE DON'T SPARE ME ANYTHING!
Surabhi, the answer that I gave to Suraj Prakash is also the answer for you.
Only people who want to be somewhere, somebody, have to suffer the sadness of failure.
But a person who never wants to be anybody, never wants to be anywhere else, cannot suffer the sadness of failure -- he is always successful, just like me.
From my very childhood, my parents, my well-wishers, my neighbors, my teachers, everybody was saying that, "You are going to be utterly worthless, a good-for-nothing."
I said, "If that is my destiny, I am perfectly happy. Why should I try to be somebody else? Utterly useless? -- perfectly good! Good for nothing? I don't see anything wrong in it."
And they would say, "Can't you ever talk reasonably?"
I said, "It is just a question of reason. Whatever is going to happen, I am going to be successful.... Because I have not made a criterion that this has to happen, only then will I be successful. Just vice-versa: I am successful.
Whatever happens, that does not matter; my successfulness is certain."
One of my professors was so concerned.... He loved me so much that he said, "You could top the university with your left hand, but your behavior is such that even if you manage to get a third class that would be a miracle -- because I never see you reading any textbook."
He used to come to the hostel to check. He never found a textbook in my room. I had never purchased one.
"When the professors are lecturing, you are sleeping. And the professors don't disturb you because when you are awake, you are arguing. It is better that you remain asleep so there is no disturbance."
He was so worried: I may go to the examination hall -- but I may not go. Just before my post-graduate final examination, he came in the evening and said, "Give me a promise."
I said, "I can give you a promise, but I lie. So, it is not of much use."
He said, "You lie?"
I said, "Yes, I lie; whatever suits the purpose, I do it. You want a promise? -- I'll give you a promise. If somebody else comes and asks for a promise, I'll give him a promise also."
He said, "That means you will torture me. Tomorrow morning, be ready at seven; I will pick you up and leave you at the examination hall -- every day."
And it was really a torture for him, because he was a drunkard, a really good man. He never used to get up before one o'clock. To get up at six o'clock and get ready, and.... And he had perhaps the oldest model car -- it would take hours to start it. The whole neighborhood would be pushing it. Somehow he would manage once it had started.
But he would reach there exactly at seven. All these difficulties.... And he would find me sleeping, and he would wake me and say, "This is too much. I never get up before one, I am getting up at six. And you know my car, she is lazier than me. At six o'clock to start it in the cold is so difficult -- the whole neighborhood has to help. And you are sleeping."
I said, "When you told me that you would be coming, I trusted." I said, "Then why bother to get up early? When you come, I will get out of bed and sit in your car."
He said, "You are not going to take a bath or anything?"
I said, "Everything after the examination."
"Any preparation?"
I said, "Who bothers about preparation?"
On the way to the examination hall, he would try to tell me, "Listen, remember a few things: this is your roll number. Don't forget." He would force me to write the roll number on my hand, so that I wouldn't forget it. I would write the roll number on my hand, and he would say, "Write your name; otherwise you will wonder what this is, whose roll number it is."
I said, "You should trust me just a little bit."
He said, "I don't trust you. First you do this examination. You have to top the university."
I said, "Whatever happens, I am happy."
And he would tell the superintendent, "Don't let him out of the hall for three hours." Three hours was the time -- because he was worried that once he is gone, I may go back to my bed. And the superintendent came to me and said, "Remember, there is no hurry for you to finish the paper. Take your time. You cannot get out of here for three hours. Your professor has ordered me, and I respect that old man."
I said, "This is strange."
I would finish the paper in two hours or one and a half hours, and I would ask the superintendent, "You can see I have finished the paper. Now don't bother me, because I have not even taken a bath yet. I have to go and wash my mouth, take a bath and change my clothes. I have come directly from bed."
He said, "Directly from bed? But who forced you?"
I said, "The same professor who forced you." And I said, "I will not report against you. Nobody is going to report it; everybody is so engaged in writing."
He said, "If this is the situation, you can go. But have you answered all the questions?"
"I... You can see!" He saw that I had answered, but he would look. He would say, "This is strange. In a post-graduate examination, your answer to the question is just one page, half a page. Do you hope to pass?
I said, "I never hope anything. This much I enjoyed; more than that.... I never do anything that I don't enjoy."
And by chance it happened that
one of the retired professors, Professor Ranade of Allahabad University -- he was a world-famous authority -- he got my examination papers, my answers. So my professor was going completely mad.
He said, "First I did not think that you would even get a third class -- although you deserve to top the university. But now you are in a very dangerous man's hands: it is known for years, he has not given a first class to anybody in his whole life. He is retired now, but he still gets the examination papers. And by chance he is going to examine your papers. You are finished."
I said, "Don't be worried. That makes me happy: I will be staying one more year with you."
He said, "Don't talk nonsense."
I said, "I am not talking nonsense. You will have another chance to take me to the examination hall, to torture me. You should be happy.
But this is what I call... strange things happen: Ranade gave me ninety-nine percent marks, with a special note saying that, "I wanted to give a hundred percent but that might look a little prejudiced. The reason I am giving him ninety-nine percent -- and for the first time in my whole life a first class -- is because I always wanted the answers to be to the point. And I have never seen a man who would answer a whole question in just one paragraph. I loved the boy!"
He had written the note to the vice-chancellor saying, "Tell the boy from me -- show him my note" -- he was very old, seventy-five years -- "that he is the first in my whole life to whom I am giving a first class."
I topped the university. My professor -- who was so anxious -- now could not believe it. When the results came, he asked me, "What is the matter? There must be some mistake. You, and topping the university? Just go to the vice-chancellor's office, find out -- there is some mistake in the newspaper."
I said, "Don't bother. If there is some mistake, that is perfectly good."
But he himself was so anxious that I had to push his car, start his car, and take him to the vice-chancellor's office. Till he saw the note, he did not believe it.
And coming out of the office he looked me up and down, and he said, "This is the strangest thing that I have seen in my life, that you have been getting out of bed -- no preparation, nothing -- and now you are the gold medalist. For the first time," he said, "I have started believing in God -- because you could not have managed it. God must be behind you."
I said, "That is absolutely clear. That's why I was so relaxed. You were unnecessarily worried. God is just exactly behind me the way I am behind your car to start it. He starts me, and once I am started everything goes well."
Surabhi, there is no failure in life. It all depends how you take things. If you are desiring too much -- you want to reach too high, and you cannot -- then there is frustration and failure. But if you are not desiring anything and you are perfectly happy wherever you are, life is moment-to-moment victory.
Osho
